We both knew from the awkward pause from the 5th Street waitress we had done something very wrong indeed when we ordered. We had failed to understand how the menu worked.
Now let me fetch a whiteboard and some visual aids while I try to explain this to you.
The menu has “small, “medium” and” large” plates. Great, I hear you think, that means I can have a smaller meal while my friend chows down.
Aha! No indeed. Small plates are starters. Large plates come with a “protein only” policy. To get veggies you need to order a medium plate, which we hadn’t done.
The waitress explained it again, pleading us with her eyes to get it. She waited expectantly.
I looked at the lad, he looked at me and we both looked at the waitress. She wasn’t going anywhere. I gave in first and ordered the $16 roasted baby carrots.
To soothe our frazzled nerves, we took in the truly sumptuous decor, pleasant lighting and music. The venue is top notch.
But to the food. I’ve put it off long enough. Oh dearie me.
We are big fans of 5th Street’s sibling across the road, Hello Sunday, but the passion behind that food has not transferred across.
The lad’s smoked brisket wontons with sriracha mayonnaise starter, $12, was bitter as the filling had burnt bits. There was no sriracha detected.
I had fried chicken bites with wasabi mayonnaise. The batter was burnt and bitter. The chicken was almost non-existent and very overcooked.
For main, he had venison with beetroot and butternut purees, $28. The lad being a chef, was gobsmacked this meal had been allowed to leave the kitchen. Overcooked was an understatement.
But, of course, I said I would be able to deal to it, waste not want not and all that. In it popped and a battle ensued with the meat bouncing merrily around in my mouth, my teeth failing to get traction. It was the first time I have ever had to discreetly spit out food. We shared a couple of bites of my fish main, but abandoned it quickly.
The spring carrots had gone through a terrible trauma and were shrivelled darkened shells of what they once were.
We didn’t have the heart to order dessert – we were too stunned. We left after eating a wonton, two chicken bites, a carrot, a piece of venison and fish and paid $108.
Oh dearie me indeed.
When an establishment tries to be achingly hip, sometimes they miss what they are there to do. And that is to produce beautiful food.
Food: 1 out of 5
Drinks list: 4